THE ICEMAN COMETH

Well hello again. It's been awhile. Thank you for your patience and diligence in checking this lil' spot for updates. We have many of them for you. 

The most important one being... 

WE ARE PREGNANT!

I am writing this the day after we found out and I'm swimming in constant excitement and then drowning in ever present worry. This is the moment we have been working so hard towards - it felt like we were at the top of Mt. Everest yesterday (except for the 95 degree heat in Chicago). There were days when I never thought we'd reach this point and days when I was sure it was around the corner. The ups and downs of this journey have been jarring - but crying in Evan's arms yesterday clutching a test that finally said "pregnant" was unlike anything I've ever experienced. Indescribable happiness, relief, joy, exhaustion, worry, and excitement flooded my thoughts. Could this really be happening?!

But before we get into all my doubts and fears - let me tell you the story of transfer, the 2WW, judgement day and where we are now. 

Transfer - Iceman thaws
We went to Denver on 8/18 - transfer was 8/19. We kept this under wraps because most people don't have to announce to their close friends and family "Hey, we're gonna go bang and make a baby tonight!" We didn't want the kind, compassionate people in our life to be worried for us. We wanted it to be a special time for just Evan and I. And it was! The day of transfer our nerves were online and buzzin'. We got up early, Evan gave me my butt shot and we grabbed some breakfast than walked along a creek. Trying to keep busy. I listened to a new playlist I made of some of my favorite tunes on the way to the clinic. I wanted to get in the baby making mood. We went to a small room and chilled while the nurse and doctor explained the procedure. 

As mentioned previously, it's a very quick thing - sort of like a pap smear. They use that speculum thing to open me up and then they place a flexible, tiny catheter into my uterus. Then with the help of ultrasound, they place the embryo into the catheter and "shoot" it into a cushy spot. The embryologist came in, wheeling our lil' embaby in this fancy machine to keep it fresh (lol). This thing is huge for one little embryo that is literally microscopic (pic below) - but wow, so cool. They showed us the embryo magnified 50,000x and that was so frickin' awesome. This little group of cells could become a HUMAN BEING. Just wild. 

We snapped some pics and then it was time for the show. Our doctor said we might be able to see a little flash on the ultrasound - that would be the bubbles surrounding the embryo. She said, "alright here we go... oh wow, look at that! That was such a cute transfer!" And I was like, "what? huh? it's over? and why was it cute?!" But we did see a little flash of light across the screen and I had to disagree with the doc - it wasn't cute it was PHENOMENAL. I mean sex is great and all, but this was so META. This little life that wouldn't have been possible in a natural setting was carefully created, cared for and handled by absolute experts and now that embryo was inside of me. Science is so cool, man. 

I was on modified bedrest for the rest of the day so lots of lounging and SVU-watching back at the hotel. Then we grabbed dinner at my new fave Denver spot, Safta, and called it a night. We flew back to Chicago the next day and then we waited. 

Evan and I happened upon a rainbow wall in Denver before transfer

Our thawed embryo magnified 50,000x

Two Week Wait - A brutal form of torture
I knew the 9 days between the transfer and testing would be hard, but it's really, really hard. I had committed to not testing at home early because I wanted to "let go and let science," and a few days in I considered what it would be like to get a call from the clinic and tell us we were pregnant. Of course, any way we found out would be great but wouldn't it be nice if this could also be another moment that was just between Evan and I? This whole process has taken away some of the private, lovely, tender moments that making babies usually entails - so I convinced Evan that taking a pregnancy test on the 9th day and looking together after we got home from the blood test would be special. So that was the plan. We'd hold out until that 9th day but make it nice. The first half of the TWW I was totally fine - I was calm, cool and collected. I was positive! I felt completely normal and that was to be expected. I had some minimal cramping a couple days in, and I thought, "maybe this is the embryo implanting... maybe it's working!" But it went away and I didn't have any other signs of implantation or pregnancy (spotting, sore boobs). The second half of the 2WW things kicked into high gear. Work was DRAGGGGGGGINNNNNGGGGG. I was speculating that every twinge, every little feeling in my abdomen could be a sign - of either pregnancy or miscarriage. I'd lay in bed and convince myself I was feeling something and I was... usually a fart. 

I went to acupuncture twice and was meditating several times a day. I tried to take long walks and listen to funny podcasts. I was taking daily afternoon naps to pass the time. I started a new book and made Evan send me positive motivational quotes daily. Here are a few of my favorites: 

"The only thing stronger than fear is hope."
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you."
"It always seems impossible until it's done."
"I'm very scared of wasps - my cousin was stung in the eye once." - Missy Elliot

By about day 7 I was feeling pretty crampy. My mind vacillated between thinking this was good and then thinking this was my period. What sucks is that any signs of pregnancy are also usually how you feel before your period. I usually have a day of cramps before my period so this was a bit triggering. But I also usually spot... and I wasn't spotting. So I held onto hope that maybe this meant my uterus was expanding... making room for a new tenant. 

Evan and I (read: I made Evan) talk about what would happen if this didn't work. What would we do? Would we jump back into another transfer? Would we take a month off? We decided (read: I decided) we'd just try again. I got through the first one, and it wasn't too bad - I knew what to expect. If we needed to try again we could. The privilege of this decision is not lost on me. The fact that we have more embryos to try again is such a blessing. 

The night before we tested we went to dinner with friends. My stomach was a mess and I generally wasn't feeling great. I'm sure it was nerves. Evan and I tossed and turned all night and finally it was time to wake up and solve this mystery. 

Judgement Day 
Before we left for my blood draw I peed on a stick and left it in the bathroom. Evan was walking Frank and I was just sitting on the couch arguing with myself that No - you cannot look! Don't even think about it! He'll be back soon, just sit on your hands, woman! Evan got back just in time and we jumped in the car. The blood draw went as blood draws go and we sped back home. We knew CCRM would be calling us in the afternoon to verify and we bought one of those fancy tests that are 99% accurate. I pulled the test out of the bathroom and we stood in the kitchen. I counted down and uncovered it. 

PREGNANT

I screamed. Evan hugged me. I began to hysterically cry. It was all the things.

Happiest

We basked in that glory for the entire morning. We took a long walk with Frank and tried to assure him that he would always be our first baby. We felt lighter, freer, happy. 

Until my pessimistic mind started to poke holes in our happy sails. What if this is an ectopic pregnancy - you've been having cramps? What if you lose the baby early? or late? What if this isn't real? My mind is a fun place, come visit sometime. 

Evan is trying to keep me positive. Reminding me that I am fertile. That we don't have a real substantiated reason to believe this won't work out. But I've read too much. Fallen down the hole of infertility on Dr. Google, Tik Tok and instagram. I know the stats. 

My compulsion to read and know as much as I possibly can about this process has been a double-edged sword. I feel knowledgeable, I know what questions to ask, I know the process and I don't feel out of the loop on medical terms/things. But... I also fall into the trap of thinking the other shoe is about to drop at any time. It can't just all be this easy. It can't just work on our first try... can it? I find reasons to fit my narrative (this is too good to be true) and I latch onto these negative things. 

My cramping, for example. This is stressing me out. I know that this is normal. But is it normal to the extent I'm having it? I don't know. So much of this is subjective. And I don't do well in grey areas. 

We finally got a call from CCRM around 5pm - so thank god we tested early cuz waiting that long would've killed us. Part of the blood draw is measuring something called HCG, which is the "pregnancy" hormone. Anything above a 50 and you are preggers. The nurse gave us our number - 351 and said, "well, you my dear, are extremely pregnant." That was nice to hear. Also part of that blood draw are my estrogen and progesterone levels. These hormones are critical for pregnancy and because I'm on all those lovely meds, we are monitoring them closely. My estrogen was kosher but my progesterone was a bit low - 11, and they want it to be at least 15. So lucky me - I have to increase my butt shots from every other day to every day and increase my vaginal meds to 3x a day. This is another thing that has sent me spiraling. Progesterone is VITAL for early pregnancy. Your body has to make enough to support the baby during this time and then around 10 weeks the placenta begins to make the progesterone. So hopefully increasing these meds will do what they're meant to and increase my numbers to a normal range. 

Regardless, I want to give a shout out to my body. She is a bad bitch. This body has dealt with so much this summer and I love and am thankful for her. This was a hot-girl summer in non-conventional terms, but damn - she put up with a lot.

Where we're at now
So I went in for additional bloodwork and my progesterone seems to be better. We'll continue to monitor it and adjust as needed. Today I am 8.5 weeks pregnant and feeling totally fine. 

We went for our first ultrasound on 9/14 and we saw lil bebe cozied up and measuring "perfectly," according to the tech. The heart was beating, but it was a little too quiet for us to actually hear. Regardless - seeing the baby in there and hearing that it's perfect was music to our ears - I can finally exhale and start to imagine a future with this little baby.

We went for our second ultrasound today, 9/29 and saw the bebe again. Looking just like a sour patch kid and we love it. The heart was beating very strong, but again, still too quiet to hear. I'm hoping that my blood work looks good and I'll be weaned off my meds soon.

We are due May 9, 2022. 

And as you can guess from the title of this post, we are having a boy. Evan calls him Iceman which I find adorable. Lil' boy is so cool he used to be frozen. We love him so much already and can't wait to meet him. 

First Ultrasound - 6.5 weeks

Second Ultrasound - 8.5 weeks

This has been an absolutely wild ride and we can't thank everyone enough for following along, sending good vibes and gifts(!), and generally being so supportive. I know parenthood is going to be the hardest job we ever do, but I also know we'll be bringing so much gratitude, amazement and a frickin' awesome community of support to the challenge. This process has taught us that even if life isn't fair, we are stronger than we ever thought. 

Lots of love, 
AJ, Evan + Iceman